Tag: awakening

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Bozebits

Self-debasing at any level is driven by the stories you tell of its beginnings. Do you see? Stories fuel a protracted struggle to reach an arbitrary level taught and believed must be achieved to overcome your “less-than-ness” caused by something that no longer exists in reality. But the telling of the stories never seems to stop. Isn’t what you should do obvious?
Any story you tell of you is not you. It is fiction’s invasion of you now and now, regardless of any idea you attach to it, is perfection only someone without any story can experience. Don’t waste “now” with anything that isn’t, and your story, no matter how grand or horrific, “isn’t.”

YOU are perfect now; it is the only place or time you will be. So, right now seems like an excellent place to begin your perfect reality.

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Bozebits

Everything is as it is; no one can refute or change that. However, humans have spent thousands, if not millions of years, struggling against it, and for what? Humans have reasoned that we can improve what we have failed to see. We’ve concluded that we’re smarter than the creation that allowed us to experience the created; thus, in our hubris, “we will fix it.” Do you see the arrogance?

If you are on any side of “fixing” the world or anyone/anything in it, you are the problem, not its solution. Humility does not exist in the noise of the crowd. No, not even yours. However, humility is the only peace on Earth you will ever experience.

The simple answer to life’s mysteries is “I don’t know,” but not knowing in no way affects your experience. It might even add some “peace” you had not seen before.

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Bozebits

What you believe is coming to you or that you think you are going to is ego luring you into a hole that the past has already dug. Anywhere but here is where ego wants you to be, and sadly, most are “anywhere but here.”

As wise ones have said, the ground you stand on now is “holy ground.” Solid, firm, and real. Will you undermine it with yesterday’s unfulfilled expectations or tomorrow’s dreams of what isn’t? Stand where you are and be present. Nothing is more evident than “now,” and you can always deal with that!

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YOU the CREATOR- The Unchangeable Change

What we like to call change, for most of us, is really an adding of layers to the onion rather than removing them. We tell ourselves “let me do this, accomplish that or go here instead of where I am, and everything will be better.” It won’t; please get that!

Most of us are full of layers that are little more than avoidance of real-life experiences we find ourselves in. We believe that we can change our circumstances simply by running from them and that, somehow, will unravel us but really it just winds us up even tighter.

Shadows

What you don’t experience fully becomes the nature of your experience even when you think you have changed. What you don’t take care of now becomes a layer; a full-length overcoat that is heavy and burdensome!

Get good with where you are; be honest with it and never let yourself be fooled into believing you are not its creator. You can run from creation, but you can never run from yourself, e.g., “the Creator.” Live where you are because “where you are” is the only place life exists.

Carl

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KNOWING

When we stop talking to ourselves we open ourselves to the vaults of eternity and the understanding of men, which can only be understood three dimensionally, gives way to knowing that is not of this world but of the infinity of which it is only a part. The language of infinity is silence and the sweetness of knowing, as the gods know, is simply known. There is no describing it in three dimensional terms, thus no reason for talking and explanation. Metaphorically, we need to see with our ears and to hear with our eyes that which can only come from an unspoken language we all know but have simply drowned out in the language of everyday life. The greater part of understanding is that which cannot be comprehended or explained by the languages we speak! When we stop talking to ourselves and silence the noise of language and thinking we become the receptors of understanding and knowing that descends upon us from the vast stores of the universe from which there is no beginning or ending.

We are literally a part of everything we see and don’t see in this universe.  We are inextricably connected at a deep level to all that is, was, or will ever be.  In fact, to say that we are connected to all that was, is or will be is a great example of the limitation of our languages. Past and future do not exist and cannot be a part of the now that we find ourselves in! We carry the past with us in our minds and the future we fantasize about but they are nonexistent and our language is remiss to give a concept of that. Instead we devise languages that gives them meaning and place in our limited understanding and we are forever trying to reconcile nonexistence with existence. They are both without meaning except to the mind that has quieted itself and the inner god who knows all things on some other level that cannot be put into to the words of language as we know it. Our existence is truly profound when we give up viewing it in the confinement of our own illusions that are constantly reinforced by our talking and thinking. Sometimes in the quiet stillness of the mind all that is simply is and that is all the knowing we need. At the energetic level everything just is!

The God of the Old Testaments stated, “I am the same yesterday, today and forever.”  It might be better said “I am yesterday, today and forever.” There are no distinctions between past, present and future in the realm of knowing quiet, distilled truth and all of us at one time or another have felt the peace that comes in that knowing. It settles upon us like mist and completely engulfs our mind and soul with an awareness that is unexplainable. Space and time lose their meaning at such times. Knowing is the most sublime dimension and it operates outside space and time as our language has described it. Knowing is the only place gods could ever make the statement that they are yesterday, today and forever because in such a place time and space have no bounds. They don’t exist. Three dimensional physics hold no ties to the infinite possibilities of knowing.

In the realm of gods there is no language of time or space. There isn’t a language of understanding that wrests our thinking and talking from an endless pursuit to comprehend everything three dimensionally. Gods know all things exist inside the present moment and whether we judge those things good or evil is of no consequence in infinity.  The space between the past and now or the future and now are nothing more than shadows.  Shadows of things we create and put there to fill a void.  A void that does not exist in infinity; A void of our own making.  There is no life past or life future.  It all is happening now, in the present and we don’t need to understand it!  We don’t need a historical context or three dimensional perspectives. The energy of life exists always and has never been disconnected in any way to time past or time future. There are no voids in space or time! The energy of life is always teeming and present and it permeates every construct we have created to define it in three dimensional terms. Energy is everywhere and energy is life!  All that we think we were or will be is all happening now and only in this now can we know what gods know!  In this present moment where the world has stopped, we as ageless existence, witness our oneness with it. It cannot be comprehended nor need it be. Our oneness with it transcends comprehension of the mind and simply makes us it!

We are the good that we love, the evil we hate, the darkness we fear, the light that gives hope.  We are all things, people, places we imagine or cannot imagine.  We are all thoughts and forms and are endowed with power to create the good we cherish or the evil we despise in this existence.  We are the beauty that loves and the ugliness that hates.  We are the then, the now, and the yet to be simultaneously in a never-ending timeless sea of infinite life. We are receptors of every form of energy that surrounds us continuously and endlessly and while we do not have a language, in this reality, that can accurately describe everything that is going on around us we do have a language, not of words and expressions, that communicates to us clearly that with everything in the universe we are a part! We are being spoken to by infinity every single moment of our lives and all we need to do is stop, be still and listen and in waves of indescribable beauty it pours into us.

The spectrum of time and space leaves us wondering for the “how” of all things.  Our egoic minds want to know order, chronology and placement in the reality we have created. We crave this knowing and want our language to describe it to us so we understand in relationship to our reality.

Instead of feeling the wonder of existence and our oneness with it we want to define it, thus diluting it in finite reason and dogmatic conjecture. We search for definitions and descriptions where none are needed nor will we ever be able to develop a language that could ever give adequate meaning to the spectacle of this infinite universe we are all a part of. We must leave the norms we have come to accept and step outside time and space to ever be able to know as the gods all the mysteries we seek to know and describe. Leaving the spectrum of time and space leaves us in absolute awe of everything.  Good is evil and evil is good.  It all just is.  We breathe all of it in and embrace it as what we are, without judgment and without question, historical context or analysis of any kind.  Only acceptance and love.  Not the love that ties us to anyone or anything, but the pure love that holds no boundary.  No limits.  No emotion.  Energetic love that exist in all things, at all times and in all places.

We have no words, no thoughts, no thinking.  Ego has blended into everything else and all struggles have ceased.  We have no arguments. The existence of every act, thought or thing is us as we are it.

Existence fills our bodies as our bodies fill existence.  All that is, is known to us because we are the knowing.  The seeker no longer seeks for that which is not understood.  Knowing requires no understanding.  “All is.”  We are the “all” that “is”.  Knowing simply rests upon us and it requires no words or expressions or thoughts or thinking to give it place in our existence. It fills us with wonder and awe that has no expression. In the quietness of mind knowing finds a place within where it instills itself and in that instant we know God for she is us and we are her.

“Be still and know the knowing.”  “You are god and in stillness she will find you.”

Adapted from the book: On Being God-Beyond Your Life’s Purpose!

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The Matrix and Such Things

I have a site on Facebook titled “Spiritual Intuition” where I post a daily comment both in the morning and later in the evening.  I have also been invited to share the posts on a few other sites that are looking for spiritual or inspirational content, as well.  Occasionally I get comments or feedback and on some occasions I even get a question or request to expound further, which in most cases, I do right there in the comments to the post.

On one such occasion I was asked a question that I feel would be more appropriate in a blog post.   I’ve hesitated to respond to this particular question because my answer is of such a nature that it might be thought offensive or flippant and I really don’t want that to be how it is seen nor do I ever want to offend someone who is asking questions in a most sincere way.  I’ve decided to proceed anyway but with the disclaimer that this is not intended to be a put down in any way.

First the post I put on Facebook and then the question that followed (http://fb.me/vWecbJXx).

My post:  “Nothing, no one is orchestrating your experience. Stop tying yourself to reasons that have no reason.

The best excuse for living is that you already are. Get in to it! Awesome day! Carl”

Now the question:  “Throw light on the matrix theory, some day, Carl. And also, how do you see it….in the light of the above quotation.  My best wishes.”

Dear friend,

For me and in the simplest terms, I have no experience with the “matrix theory” and so in that sense it does not exist for me.  Having said that, I don’t think about it at all other than in the context of something I call “junk food for the brain.”  It is fascinating to listen to others speculate and expound on the complexities of such things and, of course, the movie “The Matrix” is a creative wonder that captivated the minds of millions of people including me.  Still, I honestly don’t think about it nor do I find any discussion of it germane to my experience as a human being.

If “it” (the Matrix) is, then for me, “it” simply is and I am good with it.  I often tell people to overcome and put aside their unique and, or their specific beliefs about things, as these are what binds us to an experience that is limited and often frustrating.  In other words, I believe everything or nothing which is ultimately the same thing.  It simplifies the experience of life by taking all the worry and concern out of it and leaves “it,” as I see it, pretty open to “all that is” which is, well, “all that is.”

My space alien friends and conspiracy theory friends and so many others who dwell on these things seem so wrapped up in the dangers and seedy underbelly of forces that are out to control us and take away our freedoms and life experience as we now know it and I still can’t get myself to alter any focus on anything other than this incredible experience I am constantly embraced by.  I do love a good mystery and I am in constant aw and wonder at the creative ways the human mind can conjure all these things and yet at the same time who’s to say that any of it is untrue?  Certainly not me.  All I can offer is that I have no experience of it and you might already have heard me say that “nothing exists without our experience of it.”   “Does a tree falling in the forest make a sound?”  Not if I didn’t hear it.  End of story…for me anyway!

As of yet, my post, which spawned your question, still holds, e.g., “nothing, no one is orchestrating your experience.”  My experience has included the absolute awareness, and I often say, “it” is the one and only thing I know for sure” that “I am not this body.”  I don’t know, believe or subscribe to anything else except this.  I am not this body and this includes the mind, heart, feelings, consciousness and anything else we ascribe to human form.  We experience “it” but we’re not “it.”  We are something else that transcends human form and for me I couldn’t begin to describe it in terms the human mind could comprehend.  So I don’t.  I just accept that “something” is having this incredible human experience and what “it” is loves it completely without question or judgment.

Some may see this as incredibly simplistic and it is but oh my…what liberation!  I don’t worry at all about the masters of the matrix or what the illuminati is doing to the world, or whether the crazy gods whoever they may be are doing to the world I create and experience.  They, whoever they are, haven’t taken over any part of my experience yet so I’m living the dream.  I take that back; the dream is living me!

I think I’ve answered the second part of your question.  It doesn’t have any effect on my experience other than to provide a little mysterious fun (junk food) to my already wild imagination and as for what I get to be aware of in this experience, the matrix, the boogeyman de jour or the latest conspiracy theory, could not come close to imagining or affecting.   My excuse for living, is, simply living.  I love it all!

Thanks again for asking the question and bearing with my response.  This has been fun for me and hopefully for you as well.  All my best and please never hesitate to comment further, share your thoughts of this and many other subjects, or rebut my remarks.  Life for me is pretty non-complex.  I actually see it as a vacation; that is, a vacation of the Gods from the other things Gods do (this also means I think you’re God).  Vacations are for relaxing, recharging, having fun and most of all not taking anything too seriously.  I’m pretty good at it!  All my love,

Carl

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Choosing Supportive Thoughts

I was recently asked this question by a dear friend: “Carl can you share your thoughts on choosing thoughts that support ‘us’ and who is that chooser?”

I must admit that my response is somewhat disjointed but I think it does get to the point I am trying to make.  Here is my response and by all means let me know your thoughts.  This is a most important question to any seeker who moves through life “chopping wood and carrying water.”

An obvious response to such a question is to choose thoughts that are upbeat and positive and in a lot of new age thought, with emphasis on the Law of attraction, we are taught to choose only good thoughts and to even make judgments about how things are going by the way we think and feel about them.  The fundamental problem with this idea of “choosing,” this or that, is that we give ourselves over to forces that somehow have control of our life experiences whether they be good or bad as we judge them.  I have often said that “experiencing life from the standpoint of “how you feel” about something is not a realistic nor a good formula for life” simply because life is a “full on” mystery and we have no control over the events that are occurring, the people who cross our paths or circumstances we find ourselves in at any given time.

What we must unlearn is that we can somehow “think” our way to a so called “abundant” life.  Any thought is likely to be against this because we are all taught that thinking is the only way to climb out of any “bad” situation we find ourselves in or the converse of this which is to think our way into maintaining the “good” situation we find ourselves in.  Most New Age teachers go so far as to tell us that they can take us out of any adverse situation by simply following the formula they themselves have experienced even though their unique experience can never be yours or my experience no matter how hard we put our mind (thoughts) to it.

I have struggled with this question for many, many years and always come back to the saying that “we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”  In other words, “WE” are not these bodies (which includes the mind and all its thoughts) so we need not take anything in our experience too seriously because we already are spiritual.  I say we are more than the gods we create in our minds to subject ourselves too. So what thoughts support this?  That really lies at the heart of the question and what we might think supports this likely does not.

At first blush we might look at the words of Paul the apostle who encouraged us to seek after things such as, “…whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, think about these things.  These are all things we would identify as “good” things to seek after and think about but there is a subtlety that is very misleading.  All these things require a judgment which is the tool of ego to disassemble anything going on in life, e.g., this is good and this is bad.  The ego always picks a side and puts all the arguments in front of it to divide from those who see “good or bad” in a completely different way.

Right and wrong is the ultimate tool of distraction and ego plays this well.  Can you see this?  It would have been just as effective for Paul to have said “whatever things are not pure, not virtuous, not lovely, etc., and you could not have wound up with a greater mess than we currently have amongst humans in the world.  We are nuts with rightness and wrongness.   So what should we think if “thinking” is the nature of the human and especially what do we think that supports us?

The only answer I have found satisfactory to me is to be contrary to what the mind thinks.  That is when the mind wants to judge, don’t judge.  When the mind wants to declare something good, erase the thought. When the mind wants to uphold a particular view accept the “other” view instead.  Mind wants you to hold to an idea of good or bad; don’t do either.  Another way to say it might be “seek not to be happy but seek to find happiness in those things that, otherwise, make you unhappy.”  If you can get to this type of non-judgment and acceptance of what was once judged good or bad everything begins to “be” okay.  That is, happiness, joy and all the other things we endlessly seek resonate within as a natural condition of our non-judgments.  The mind leads away from happiness; it takes us “too” things that are supposed to make us happy but either don’t, or are very short lived.

Here is an example of a contrary thought that goes against a primary tenet of many of our judgments that says simply; “you deserve to be happy.”  Well, “no you don’t!   No one deserves to be happy. In fact no one deserves a life different from the one they are living.  Do you see that this puts unnecessary requirements on something that is simply our nature when we determine that nothing we can do, say, think or believe can make us happy.  Be happy…period.

Ultimately, you are probably gathering that I take the position that no thought is a good thought.  Ego never has a thought that does not contain the motive that I am right and you are wrong and if we were all honest with ourselves we would recognize our own complicity with this greatest of all egoic tools.  This is why I am such an advocate of limiting our thoughts.  I know this doesn’t answer the question but outside of accepting “what is” without any judgment whatsoever, can I come up with thoughts that support us.  In fact, you could say, the less we think about thoughts that support us the more likely we are to get to know “us,” meaning YOU that lies beneath the you that is merely the “thought” of you.

This leads to the second part of the question which is who is the chooser of the thoughts?  This question for me is a bit easier to answer.  My response is:  “The chooser isn’t choosing the thoughts; the chooser is experiencing the thoughts the human is experiencing and is completely unattached to any thought, thought.”  In other words, only humans react to “human thought.”

Ultimately, all I’ve got is “the thoughts that support us are the thoughts not thought.”  Silence is always the ultimate support for in “stillness, god is known” and being face to face with that which YOU are requires no description or definition of any mind based thought.  In fact, no mind could possibly conjure a description that came close to such knowing, even if the mind was working at one hundred percent.  The most thoughtful thought is the thought that contains no judgment and that pretty much negates any thought.  Don’t judge; now there’s a thought!

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No Failures in Life

Another great question on my website: www.spiritual-intuition.com by an anonymous individual inquiring about the metaphor of the “mustard seed and the mustard tree.”   Like many things I comment on, my response is likely going to be “off” from what most of us have been told the story represents. Still, I share the question and my answer here and appreciate any thoughts or comments you wish to share:

Here is the question:  After reading your books, the parable of the mustard seed and the tree has come into my awareness in a profound, unexplainable way. I’ve come to “know” that the seed and the tree are the exact same thing. The love that we may have thought of as only a small, insignificant seed is indeed, exactly the same as the magnificent towering tree. I somehow understood this about my mother, my father and others recently. It seems unreasonable, yet that small seed that seemed so small and nearly insignificant, was really a huge unending love to and from them. Somehow, in a mysterious and inexplicable way that love was the same. So beautiful, so expanding, full and gigantic!!! My question or thought as it may be per your suggestions: “The mystery cannot be explained, just enjoy it.” Yes. It is completely unexplainable. Question: Can anyone understand this? Do you?

My response:  Thank you for sharing and thank you for reading the books. I am so honored and grateful.

It is difficult to understand this in an intellectual way and even more difficult to say it without adding to the confusion. It is interesting that most “spiritually seeking” people seem to get the statement that “we are spiritual beings having a human experience” but live as though the very opposite is true.

We, as humans, have been conditioned so thoroughly that we are somehow “less than” and must work our entire lives to be able to “qualify” for some godly dimension that, even still, doesn’t quite get to the highest level and never can. We call ourselves sinners and unworthy when in fact we are greater than any imaginary “being,” somewhere in yonder heavens, that our puny little minds completely make up.

This was, and is, the message of the seed and the tree. We can’t possibly imagine that all that the tree is could possibly reside in a tiny seed and so we surround the simple beauty of the message with the words and formula’s that allow the seed to eventually become the tree. We say such things as nourish and feed the tree, water it, prune it and care for it and it will grow into something it could not be otherwise. The metaphors themselves are indicative of the way we have all been conditioned and this conditioning carries into every aspect of our lives. Right and wrong breed in this environment as well as judgment, dissension and suffering.

And yet in a simple example of “all that is,” e.g., the seed, we get the truth of “all that is.” That is, “the seed itself.” I have often said that “We cannot fail at life” and we really cannot. Whether the seed becomes a tree or lies dormant in the ground it will always contain the vastness of the tree. Our Earth experience is not a school; it is not a training ground for something that lies beyond it. All that “is” already is.

Now, to the question. Do I understand this? All I can say is yes, but only to the limits of what my mind can conceive making the answer no in strictly human or “mind based” terms and that would be the case with anyone claiming to understand. I used to think that I “knew” a lot but now the only thing I know with absolute certainty is that “I am not this body.” I will add that the mind, which, is nothing more than the operating system for this body gets this but is always at work doing what human minds do and that is pull on us relentlessly and convince us that we cannot be greater than something it has created to be the greatest of all. Mind drives us to judge and compare and if it can be successful (it really is successful by the way) it keeps us buried in the noise of argument and rightness and wrongness.

The pull of the world is relentless, even to those who seem to have climbed above it. “Do I understand?” Not in terms that I could ever express, but in terms that are inexpressible; absolutely!

Thanks again for the question and while my response may seem a bit cryptic, human language is remiss to adequately express such things and do them any justice. At best I can point to things the human mind understands and equate it to something that is otherwise impossible to describe. I can’t describe to you what it is to have something leave the body and retain a full awareness that the body it left, is not what you think the body is or what we really are. I know this is confusing but I don’t know such words nor do I know anyone who does. I can say that that awareness never leaves me regardless of the workings of the mind to convince me otherwise. It is wondrous beyond description. That’s all I’ve got.

I wish everyone could experience such a thing. All my love and best,

Carl

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Your Hands

Several days ago I was approached by a woman on my website: www.spiritual-intuition.com with a question that I have tossed around in my ponderings for a long, long time and which I feel is important for anyone who is seeking to become more aware of the otherness we all seem to know exists beyond our three dimensional reality.  I share the question and my answer here:

Question:

“The greatest difference between the power of intention and caring is that while caring attaches us to illusory outcomes we have accepted as important, intention is detached from any conception of caring.”

Your quote. Actually, I am EXTREMELY inspired by this . . . because “caring” doesn’t mean very much in the world of “doing.” I have thought about this tremendously because of what I do for a living and YES! “intention” is really what is the driving force behind “being.” It is interesting in that I work with people every day and caring is . . . nice . . . it is intention that creates all the little miracles. It isn’t belief, it isn’t faith it is intent. My question is: I find that my heart has love for them. I can’t DECIDE what is happening but INTENTION works with the healing. When they leave I send them off with “Courage Mon Brav.”. Does caring have a place where there is intention? Is “caring” unlike “loving” because love has no attachments where by definition “caring” does?

My response:

Cheryl,

Thank you for your question and sharing an example of intention. I love how you say that “it is intention that creates all the little miracles.” How poignant your expression and how interesting your detection of this in your practice.

Your question is one that I ponder quite often because “caring” is such a big part of the landscape of modern living and weaves itself into virtually every aspect of our dealings with other humans. In extreme cases of “caring”, aggressive action is often sanctioned because of it and virtually all forms of right or wrong can be justified under the umbrella of caring or, for that matter, love.

Intention, as you mention, has no focus and yet it does, as well, yet we cannot know what that focus is. We simply know that it is and without the discussion that it is this or that, we sense the power of it when it is working. Many times you might hear people say things like “I’m not sure what that was but I could feel some force or power”, or “I just knew what to do and did it without question or concern.” You experience this in your work. Intention is there and when we give ourselves to this power it becomes apparent that we, too, are the power. It is our essence and we are its.

For me love and caring are completely human, and mind based. We hear a lot these days the admonition to “love unconditionally,” however, if people were completely honest they could see that the propensity to love unconditionally is not possible if for no other reason than they have to say it is. Love and caring show up most powerfully in our own dependence which most of us will never admit. That is, our own need to look to others for any kind of approval. “You don’t care” or “you don’t love me” are examples of the outward expressions of this dependence. Perhaps another way to put this is to say that unconditional love or caring requires no dependence on “me” to notice it. Very hard to do.

The roots of caring and love are formed in the past, whereas, intention is always something that plays out in the present. Broken down, caring is a product of something that does not exist while intention is always at play in “what is” right now and only right now. Intention has no power in the past or in the future. Your example of “miracles happening,” in your own practice, occur while you and you alone are focused on anything but your caring. Miracles, as you are experiencing, don’t wait to happen. They just happen!

On the other hand it is difficult to sustain any action based on something that does not exist in present time and yet we see over and over those who try to do so and they’re “burning out” long before reaching the original objective of their caring. We use words like hope and faith to motivate our caring and watch the collapse of those whose actions seeded great good under the pretense that “caring” in any form could possibly sustain any action long term. Caring has to have the attachment to an idea or outcome that originated sometime long before this moment. It is completely unsustainable and it is always, always, always attached to “conditions.” Intention knows no conditions.

Caring is the strongest cord of ego and virtually unbreakable. It is the justifier of our causes and the power behind judgments of ourselves and others. It is full of conditions and rules. Intention is devoid of description and so just is; it is a force without reckoning of any kind. Intention supersedes loving and caring and I have often used the term “compassion” synonymously with intention. Both are unexplainable. It might be said that intention and compassion are the non-human forms of love and caring but having said that, it is a weak comparison. Neither intention nor compassion carries any meaning in human terms and yet those who know them, “know them.”

In conclusion, and I suppose the real answer to your question, is to say to you, send them away with both your love and your caring. The compassionate work has been done; intention has played out and while they may never know what it was, they will have felt it through your hands. Your hands, Cheryl; hands that have the amazing ability to touch reality and heal the world.

Again thank you so much for this.  All my love,

Carl

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My Father Al; A Living Tribute

It may seem a bit odd to pay tribute to another human in the form of an obituary but what good are expressions about someone if they, for whom they are written, are unable to hear and know the depth of feeling a Son can have for his Father.

My Father Al came into my life after I had ruled out all adult humans as trustworthy and protective of those they were charged with caring for. My real father had left without having any contact and my life as I knew it then was forever over. I never even gave my Father Al a chance to be a friend let alone a father to whom I would look up to. He was just another Man, human if you will, who like so many others would find ways to hurt, abandon and abuse me and make my life a hell that would haunt me endlessly. I kept him at a distance but I never stopped observing his quiet, steady ways. Beyond that I never gave him much thought. He was not much more than an inconvenient intruder in my own already defective life.

As I grew older, I began to take upon myself, with great pride, the idea that having lost my biological father, I could pick and choose the men who passed through my life and take from them characteristics I admired and wanted to emulate. I prided myself on the great variety of virtues I was able to draw upon as well as the men from whom I would draw them. I threw my admiration at certain men from many walks of life and eagerly observed and adopted characteristics I felt were necessary to my own character building. Things like integrity, honesty, hard work, devotion to family, self-sacrifice, humor and love of life. As I sought these things, always, Al was in the background.

One rarely knows the “hows” of our experiences. Most of us come to a place in our lives where our own retrospection looks back on “what changed” or on “what just happened” and in silence we marvel at what we missed for so long. For me, like John Bunyan’s “Pilgrim” I travelled a long and desperate road only to circle around back to where I had started. In a moment of stark recognition I had made my way back to my original home and to that place where in my youth I had judged so harshly. The journey took me in countless directions and all that I ever sought was always right there where I had begun. The greatest of all men was there in my own backyard. He had not changed but I had. I now had eyes that could see that where I began, and where I had ended was at his feet. And in a silent moment of recognition, at one so great, I am humbled in his presence.

The light has never shined so bright as when I have been with him. My Father Al was everything I ever sought and even with the passage of time being so long before my own recognition I feel as though I have never “not” known. This is because of Him, as well. In all my travels he has never judged. He has loved as only a father could and I have felt that love and it is inexpressible. What was once the “least” to me, is the greatest!

My Father Al has gone home to a place we all know and from whence we have all come. He is with his “greatest of all possessions,” as he referred to my Mother, whom he adored every moment of his life. Another great quality of the man! We are forever drawn to the place he now enjoys but more importantly we are drawn to him. Like a fortress or a stand of trees or the inexorable pull of the moon upon the waters he will always be the force that draws us ever closer to eternity. The light in a dark place, never looking back but always looking forward. He is our guide, a sentinel, not guarding the way but protecting us along the way.

My Father holds many places in our hearts. To some he is “Al,” while to others he is “Dad,” while to some he is “Brother Yates” or “Grandpa” or just “Yates.” Some even know him as “Handsome.” Whatever the name we knew him as or the description of him we hold we are all united in our love for him and he always reciprocated by loving us. Not in grand and showy ways but quietly, completely and most of all purely.

Rest well my Father and know that in this place we celebrate the life of one so good we are all humbled to have been a part of the vast universe you created. Go in peace and know that we all love you.

I love you. God bless you my sweet Dad.

Your Son,

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Awesome Man!

Carl

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